please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
