There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
