I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Best friends brother. Beat that.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Randomize
