He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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