I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
