I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Randomize
