i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
