I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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