The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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