I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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