Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
