She's JV to your varsity
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
