i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Randomize
