alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
