That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
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