just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
My pussy is not your playground.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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