like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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