Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
