Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
