he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
