Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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