My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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