So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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