don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
