Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
