I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
We are all done wearing pants today
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize