my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
