i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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