it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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