it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Found your dick twin last night
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
