I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
