i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
