hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize
