If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
