Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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