the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I cut my penus on the lid.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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