I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
