i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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