soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
