all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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