nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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