Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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