this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
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You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
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I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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