then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
