I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
