I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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