whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
