11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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