I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
