there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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