that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
