the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
