I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
