Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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