I skipped work to stalk him.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
