Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
