I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I just want nice things and good sex
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
