Got a toothbrush?
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
