I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
