I accidentally had phone sex last night
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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