Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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